Oh god...i'm thinking of him again. I thought it had all blown over but everytime i think of him or what he said i just want to scream, want to run away and forget....i feel so lonely. I just want to be cuddled and to be told everythings okay....but what's the point? No one understands me, or would think it would be stupid to be so upset over something that happened so long ago. I had forgotten about him for so long...well not forgoten, but we had become distant due to time and stuff. I missed him so much...when we taked after such a long time he was distant and didn't want to talk, like it was akward...he told me something that had happened in my absence....i told him that it was okay, acted like i didn't give a damn and it was okay. I did though, it tore me up so much inside that even when i think of it i get all torn up about it and want to scream....we haven't spoken in a while afters, because of time and stuff...i always miss him by an hour or something. I remembered when i would stay up all night just to talk to him, if only for a couple of minutes....i loved him so much...still love him but i shouldn't....i shouldn't because he's moved on, why can't i? Why can't i just accept that he doesn't love me back? Why can't i just forget i loved him? I think maybe it's because i waited for so long, waited desperately for him. I told him i would wait forever....and he strung me along, told me that he would eventlly come round that he was trying to hit it off with another girl....i should have just taken the hint and gave up. But i couldn't....when he told me, i said it was okay, that i didn't care that i was happy for him and i am. But...i'm to selfish to just be happy aren't i? I love him so much and i can't have him, he belongs to someone else...and that's what hurts the most, the fact that he loves someone else with such intensity that i know it'll be forever, it'll never fall apart because they love each other. I shook when he told me, shook with shock. He told me if i waited there was a chance i could be with him....but he didn't tell me that the chance was slight. I shook and cried but never said, didn't want to make him feel bad i only wanted him to be happy. He is very happy, and i'm glad. I should forget, i should just forget about everything but it hurts so much...hurts from deep inside me and i can never get rid of the feeling, never. When he told me, i fell apart inside.
Hah...even writing this and remembering i'm crying, shaking the same way i did then. I want to run away and be alone, be alone so i can cry and wail and none will question why....I want my body to stop shaking and the tears to stop running down my face onto my lap but i can't....i can't stop crying....when i talk to him nowadays, i'm happy and normal, because i love talking to him...it's only the past that hurts.
I wish i could talk to him, but time is against me and i can't talk to him....he wouldn't want to talk to me anyway, why would he? I'm from the past, a past where he was lonely and unhappy, i not doing anything to change that. Why would he want to talk to me? The girl who did nothing to make him happy, who could never speak, who left the only place he could talk to her. Why would he want to talk to me? Only an annoyence who he would rather not talk to in the early hours of the day....why? Why oh why would he want to?
They say 'if you truely love someone, it doesn't matter what happens between you, whether they don't love you anymore or have found their soulmate, you will only wish them to be happy.' and that is very true, i'm glad he's happy, a person who wasn't happy with me is now happy with another, so im glad. I'm sad that he is not with me...but it wouldn't have worked out anyway, this i know....
Lighter note: i just sneezed...that means that a boy is talking of me fairly....or maybe it's because when you cry your nose runs.... - I'm feeling:crushed
 - Jammin' to:The Killers - Mr. Brightside
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love_me_gentily's journal
